While I was writing this, I just got an urgent email from Paypal; It seems I need to follow the link provided and input my log in and password to verify my account. I better go take care of that right now. Otherwise, Mrs. San won’t be able to transfer the $10,500,000 to my bank account for safe keeping.
I’ve been remiss in updating this blog. My excuse is that I’ve been terribly busy – mostly going through the mountains of spam in my inbox. Seriously, I opened my email after a couple of days away from the computer and discovered that I had 284 new emails. Three of those were business related; 281 were spam. That’s ten pages of advertisements and solicitations presumably designed to fulfill my needs.
In marketing, there’s a saying, “Your best customer is your last customer.” So, I’m not surprised when I receive offers from Dell, Netflix, or even Starbucks. I’ve done business with them and they know how to find me. They’ve added me to their database and have developed a profile of my buying habits. I’m even aware that they may sometimes sell my name to other companies who might want to offer me similar or complementary products and services.
What I don’t understand are the dozens of other offers I receive on a daily basis. I’m not exactly certain of the profile they’ve developed, but the best that I can determine is that as far as they’re concerned I’m an uneducated, neurotic, morbidly obese, sexually dysfunctional hermaphrodite in need of both a breast and penis enlargement.
Furthermore, notwithstanding my apparent proclivity for stealing cable services and watching porn, I’m trustworthy enough to be the one person in the United States to help out political exiles in handling their banking matters and spiritual enough to become an ordained minister. My parents will be so proud.
Here’s a sampling of the offers I’ve received this week:
*Online University Degrees – Obtain Diploma, Degree, or Masters
No tests, study, coursework or interviews required. Discrete and Affordable. Everyone Eligible.
*Super Sales for Cialis, Xanax, Viagra and Many More!
*You can Lose 100 Pounds Naturally just like I did.
*Natural penis enlargement pill. I will make your penis grow a huge 27%
*Enlarge your breasts in only four weeks!
*Do Not Ignore This Message. It Could Help Improve Your Love Life. Are you interested in finding a woman that is interested in sex?
*Stop Paying for Your Pay-Per-View Movies
*Taboo world of family sex relations
*Dear Good Friend. I am Mrs Mary San from Solomon Islands. I am married to Mr. Lobi San who worked with our Embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2007……When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $10.5 Million with a Bank in Cote D lvoire….As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank in Cote d’ lvoire. I will also issue a letter of authorization to
the bank that will prove you the present beneficiary of this money.
*Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours