Month: December 2018

Dear Naughty Girls

Posted on by Moxie

Dear Lizzie,

Thank you for your inquiry.

In response to your question, please be advised that “milk and cookies” is absolutely NOT a euphemism for something else. 

Kindly limit your special treats for Santa to an actual glass of milk along with chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies.

Merry Christmas.

Candy Cane
Department of Naughty & Nice

Dear Staci,

This is to confirm receipt of your resume. Your extensive experience and letters of recommendation are very impressive. However, we regret to inform you that we have no positions available for your unique skill set.

Best of luck in your knob and pole polishing job search.

Pixie Glittertits
Personnel Department

Dear Staci,

Enclosed herewith is the original copy of the demonstration video that you sent in today’s mail.

We appreciate your eagerness to work with us, but as mentioned in my previous letter, we do not have need of a knob and pole polisher.

Kind regards,

Pixie Glittertits
Personnel Department

Dear Staci,

My apologies for not responding to your fifteen voice mails sooner. Please understand that this is a very busy time of year, here, at the North Pole. We make every effort to respond to all job applicants within three days.

In your case, I thought I had already made clear that we don’t have any positions available that are a good fit for your special talents. 

You certainly are tenacious. Have you considered a position in sales?

If I find openings that are suitable for you, I will reach out to you. There is no need for you to contact me. Trust me, I will remember you.

Pixie Glittertits
Personnel Department

Hi Staci!

Thanks for emailing me with you idea. We are always interested in innovative approaches to North Pole maintenance. I must admit that we’ve never considered switching to human snow blowers. Your employment and environmental arguments are compelling. I’m forwarding your email to Pixie Glittertits in our Personnel Department for consideration. Happy Holidays!

Tommy Tinker
North Pole Maintenance Department

Girl in Santa suit.

Dear Candace,

Thank you for your letter and for allowing us the opportunity to clear up any confusion before you proceed with your plan.

We wish to be absolutely clear. The activities you described are not the kind of reindeer games referenced in the song, regardless of location, attire or prosthetic antlers.  

We recommend spreading cheer in more conventional ways.

Warm wishes for a safe, sane, and consensual holiday season.

Freddy Elfstein
Department of Naughty & Nice


Dear Lara,

I’m so sorry to hear about your recent Santa-related experience.

I can assure you that the real Santa Claus would never show up to your door unannounced on October 31st requesting tricks or treats. As you might imagine, there are many St. Nick impostors.

Now, about the special “Naughty Girl” presents. Regardless of what was guaranteed, there is not a separate class of gifts given from Santa Claus to girls who perform the acts that you outlined in your letter.

Clearly, it is unreasonable to expect the real Santa to be held responsible for anything promised by a Santa Claus impersonator. We will make a note in your file for special  consideration, but please do not expect the new car and house.

Lastly, Mr. and Mrs. Claus remain happily married. They are not separated or divorced nor would Santa leave her to run off with you or any other girls, naughty or otherwise. I believe if you check the “engagement” ring he left, you will find that the diamonds are not real.

We have opened an investigative file regarding this incident. I suggest you contact local law enforcement to report this as well.

In the future, please be very careful about letting anyone into your home who you don’t know.

Officer Buddy McJingles
North Pole Security


Thanks Giving

Posted on by Moxie

Whew! What a month!

I survived NaNoWriMo and am proud to announce that I knocked out 50k words in 29 days, even with family visiting for a week during the Thanksgiving holiday.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I would be remiss if I didn’t give thanks to the many people who helped speed me through the month-long challenge. Most of you were enthusiastic cheerleaders and partners in crime. Some of you were unwitting accomplices who may recognize your contribution in the final product.

Of particular note are:

  • The wonderful staff and volunteers at NaNoWriMo who manage to pull off this event annually. It’s no small task! I’m especially grateful for the opportunity to connect with other writers around the globe to attempt the impossible – which magically becomes possible. Please take a moment to check them out and possibly support their ongoing efforts.
  • My fellow RWA – Passionate Ink Chapter members who helped keep the momentum going with word sprints, friendly competition, and unending encouragement. You can learn more about the Passionate Ink Chapter of the Romance Writers of America here. If you are a writer or an aspiring writer, please join us.
  • Andrew A., Lizzie W., and Stacey G., for your unfailing moral support, input, feedback and for being my go-to sounding boards. Oh! And, I mustn’t forget Adam W. for providing soundtracks, laughs and a sympathetic ear.
  • You who have shared a path with me for a spell, crossed my path for a moment or just plain crossed me. By being your glorious self, you’ve ensured that something heartwarmingly marvelous or unspeakably terrible will befall a character that reminds you of…someone you know. <Insert evil laugh here>
  • Readers and followers. Thank you for reminding me that there is an audience for the stories that I tell. You motivate me to keep writing even when my muse takes a ridiculously long coffee break.

Truly, I couldn’t have done it without you.  

Beyond NaNoWriMo, since many have asked, the answer is, “Yes. While I do write fiction, it is often *inspired by the people, places, and events that are familiar to me.”

*Pursuant to the insistence of my lawyer, I direct you to the word “inspired” and its definition. I further point out that any resemblance to events, locales, or persons – living or dead, especially the dead (trust me, no one wants to piss off the dead) – are either products of my imagination, used fictitiously or are coincidental. 

So, If you recognize a location or a similar experience in any of my stories, it may be loosely based in reality. Likewise, if you think you’ve spotted something of yourself in any of the characters that make their way onto the page, consider it a compliment.  If you are certain that it is uniquely you, that means you are very vain or, at the very least, memorable and may have taught me a life lesson or ten. Most likely, there was something about you that I fell in love with – the glint in your eye, the flicker of your impish grin, the color of your hair, a tiny endearing gesture or even a wicked turn of phrase.

You probably tickled me in some way and made me laugh, smile or squeal with delight. You might have filled me with hope or left me in awe. Maybe you made me shiver or curled my toes. Oh, baby! You possibly scared the living daylights out of me. What’s wrong with you? Don’t do that! You could have even broken my heart and left me a tear-stained mess. Again, what’s wrong with you?

In any case, if you did any or all of those, know that I remember you. Of course, I remember. I remember in exquisite detail.  Usually, the experience filled me with unexpected joy. On the rare occasion when I was not fully appreciative in the moment or even at this particular moment, I’m confident that in the greater scheme of things, I will be grateful for the experience in the very near future. Or down the road a bit. Or a long, long time from now. Or maybe in the next life.

Conversely, it’s possible – even probable – that I dredged up all of the bits and pieces from the depths of my depraved imagination. Who knows?

I do.

You probably do, too.