Headlines

Wildfires, floods, hurricanes, and quakes filled news headlines. But, it was matters of the heart that filled her mind,
“My world is ending.”
(140 disastrous characters)
 
Note:
Mother nature has had her way with us this year. Many of us have been dancing to her tune for a couple of months preparing for, running from or cleaning up after her unleashed furry. Yours truly has been among those stocking up, leaving town and eventually playing host to others who had to get out of Dodge. And while this note serves as a feeble excuse for my long absence from writing, the main purpose was to explain where I’ve been and to remind us that many have not come through this unscathed. Their lives have been upended in profound ways through loss of loved ones and loss of the life that they knew. If you can help others in any way, please do.

My Inbox

I’ve been remiss in updating this blog. My excuse is that I’ve been terribly busy – mostly going through the mountains of spam in my inbox. Seriously, I opened my email after a couple of days away from the computer and discovered that I had 284 new emails. Three of those were business related; 281 were spam. That’s ten pages of advertisements and solicitations presumably designed to fulfill my needs.
In marketing, there’s a saying, “Your best customer is your last customer.” So, I’m not surprised when I receive offers from Dell, Netflix, or even Starbucks. I’ve done business with them and they know how to find me. They’ve added me to their database and have developed a profile of my buying habits. I’m even aware that they may sometimes sell my name to other companies who might want to offer me similar or complementary products and services.
What I don’t understand are the dozens of other offers I receive on a daily basis. I’m not exactly certain of the profile they’ve developed, but the best that I can determine is that as far as they’re concerned I’m an uneducated, neurotic, morbidly obese, sexually dysfunctional hermaphrodite in need of both a breast and penis enlargement.
Furthermore, notwithstanding my apparent proclivity for stealing cable services and watching porn, I’m trustworthy enough to be the one person in the United States to help out political exiles in handling their banking matters and spiritual enough to become an ordained minister. My parents will be so proud.
Here’s a sampling of the offers I’ve received this week:
*Online University Degrees – Obtain Diploma, Degree, or Masters
No tests, study, coursework or interviews required. Discrete and Affordable. Everyone Eligible.
*Super Sales for Cialis, Xanax, Viagra and Many More!
*You can Lose 100 Pounds Naturally just like I did.
*Natural penis enlargement pill. I will make your penis grow a huge 27%
*Enlarge your breasts in only four weeks!
*Do Not Ignore This Message. It Could Help Improve Your Love Life. Are you interested in finding a woman that is interested in sex?
*Stop Paying for Your Pay-Per-View Movies
*Taboo world of family sex relations
*Dear Good Friend. I am Mrs Mary San from Solomon Islands. I am married to Mr. Lobi San who worked with our Embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2007……When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $10.5 Million with a Bank in Cote D lvoire….As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank in Cote d’ lvoire. I will also issue a letter of authorization to
the bank that will prove you the present beneficiary of this money.
*Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours

While I was writing this, I just got an urgent email from Paypal; It seems I need to follow the link provided and input my log in and password to verify my account. I better go take care of that right now. Otherwise, Mrs. San won’t be able to transfer the $10,500,000 to my bank account for safe keeping.

Let’s Do It Again

Well, it was a wild ride; wasn’t it?
For my part, I wouldn’t trade a second of it:
Not the heartbreaks, the tragedies, the colossal failures, or even
the nose dives into the depths of despair.

After all, that gave perspective; didn’t it?
It gave brilliant clarity to:
The heart that could swell beyond the constraints of the human body to love across distance and time;
The side splitting, rib bruising, belly aching laughter that left our faces hurting;
The spectacular, underdog, pull-it-off-at-the-last second, butt-wiggling successes;
Or even those precious moments when it seemed our hearts took wing and propelled us to the fluffy, cloud encased heights of pure joy.

It’s been a grand, mysterious adventure into what could be,
neatly wrapped in an infinite variety of colors, fragrances, flavors, music and textures –
All of it, made better because it was shared with you.

So, on the off-chance that the world ends tomorrow or the day after, let me take today to say two things:

1) Thank you,
2) Let’s do it again.

A Proper Education

A recent viewing of the movie – Dangerous Beauty – coupled with conversation inspired the muse who co-exists inside me to ponder a world of exalted beauty and pleasure.

What if instead of being taught to compete with men, we were taught to complement them by being wholly feminine?

I imagine a world where school not only taught the three R’s but also taught girls to embrace that which is beautiful in themselves and they learned how to express it – to be beauty in motion. No, not beauty as defined in popular media, rather finding what is supremely unique about each girl and bringing that forth – cultivating it…nurturing it.

What if every girl were raised as if she were a gift for a god? What caliber of  men would be deserving of something so precious?

Ah, what divine desirable creatures we’d have walking amongst us and oh, how wonderful to be counted in their number.

And in keeping with that theme, I give you a 140 character sentiment –

Since her youth, she was prepared to be possessed by a god – her skills honed on males whom she called dogs, unable to see them as real men.

The Game

There is no play book in the game of life. I’ve picked up a few lessons, however, that I use as guide lines as I roll the dice and move around the board:

1. Dogs that bring bones also carry bones away.
2. Cream rises to the top and shit floats. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell which is which.
3. Egos are like helium balloons; the tiniest prick can burst it and send it sputtering in circles.
4. If you don’t like the game, step off of the field and have a lollipop.
5. When in doubt: be nice, seek high ground and assume the best in people. You might be wrong, but it’s easier to live with the outcomes than to take the opposite approach.
6. Daddies make the best playmates. More often than not, they are in it for the fun and will pretend to let you win. And, if you should stumble and fall, they will pick you up, dust you off and discreetly kick that kid who tripped you in the butt.

Happy SPSAABJWH Day!

It’s March and that means we are celebrating our Irish heritage and Women’s History. Yes, it is a fine month to get in touch with and honor our past.

Irrespective of our actual lineage, on or about March 17th we all become Irish. We deck ourselves out in green, scarf down corned beef, potatoes and cabbage and wash it down with gallons of beer all in a solemn gastric ritual of remembrance for the fellow who kicked some serious snake ass. Of course, no snakes were ever native to Ireland, but who needs facts when we are talking about an opportunity to drink ourselves into a stupor, wear shamrocks and say brilliant things like, “Erin go Bragh or Erin go Braless?”

Likewise, we encourage even the ovary-challenged among us to join in the Women’s history celebrations. Yes, we organize lovely affairs where we consume rubbery chicken and wilted salads drizzled with low-fat dressing as we recite “Phenomenal Woman.” All done in celebrate our vaginae.

But, March has yet another holiday – Steak and a Blow Job Day. Originally conceived back in 2002 as the Men’s equivalent to Valentine’s Day, it is celebrated one month later on March 14th.

I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m all about efficiency. I propose we merge these celebrations into a single event. I offer you, “Happy St. Patrick’s Steak and a Blow Job, Women’s History Day!

We can dress in green and give that special guy a blow job and a steak as he happily hums Irish lullabies or belts out a rousing rendition of “I am Woman.” Bust out the kegs and men will be standing in line to sing the praises of Susan B. Anthony and Gloria Steinem right along side of St. Patrick.

In honor of joining Steak and a Blow Job Day with Women’s History Month and St. Patrick’s Day, I leave you with this thought from Helen Gurley Brown with my own addendum: “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere…and smart girls swallow. Erin go Bragh!”