Naughty Bits

Beware the Bubble Gum Suitor

Shoe with gum stuck on the bottom


Seduction by those bubble gum words –
Slick, juicy, sweet.

Fork-tonguing the pliable pink wall – 
Push, probe, retreat. 

Artfully exhales, truth and lies blurred – 
Stretch, pop, repeat. 

Chews out the flavor. Gonna use it all –
Spit, discard. mistreat.

Dear Naughty Girls

Dear Lizzie,

Thank you for your inquiry.


In response to your question, please be advised that “milk and cookies” is absolutely NOT a euphemism for something else. 

Kindly limit your special treats for Santa to an actual glass of milk along with chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies.

Merry Christmas.

Candy Cane
Department of Naughty & Nice

Dear Staci,

This is to confirm receipt of your resume. Your extensive experience and letters of recommendation are very impressive. However, we regret to inform you that we have no positions available for your unique skill set.


Best of luck in your knob and pole polishing job search.

Pixie Glittertits

Personnel Department

Dear Staci,

Enclosed herewith is the original copy of the demonstration video that you sent in today’s mail.

We appreciate your eagerness to work with us, but as mentioned in my previous letter, we do not have need of a knob and pole polisher.

Kind regards,

Pixie Glittertits

Personnel Department

Dear Staci,

My apologies for not responding to your fifteen voice mails sooner. Please understand that this is a very busy time of year, here, at the North Pole. We make every effort to respond to all job applicants within three days.

In your case, I thought I had already made clear that we don’t have any positions available that are a good fit for your special talents. 


You certainly are tenacious. Have you considered a position in sales?

If I find openings that are suitable for you, I will reach out to you. There is no need for you to contact me. Trust me, I will remember you.

Pixie Glittertits
Personnel Department

Hi Staci!

Thanks for emailing me with you idea. We are always interested in innovative approaches to North Pole maintenance. I must admit that we’ve never considered switching to human snow blowers. Your employment and environmental arguments are compelling. I’m forwarding your email to Pixie Glittertits in our Personnel Department for consideration. Happy Holidays!

Tommy Tinker
North Pole Maintenance Department

Girl in Santa suit.

Dear Candace,

Thank you for your letter and for allowing us the opportunity to clear up any confusion before you proceed with your plan.

We wish to be absolutely clear. The activities you described are not the kind of reindeer games referenced in the song, regardless of location, attire or prosthetic antlers.  

We recommend spreading cheer in more conventional ways.

Warm wishes for a safe, sane, and consensual holiday season.

Freddy Elfstein
Department of Naughty & Nice


Dear Lara,

I’m so sorry to hear about your recent Santa-related experience.

I can assure you that the real Santa Claus would never show up to your door unannounced on October 31st requesting tricks or treats. As you might imagine, there are many St. Nick impostors.

Now, about the special “Naughty Girl” presents. Regardless of what was guaranteed, there is not a separate class of gifts given from Santa Claus to girls who perform the acts that you outlined in your letter.

Clearly, it is unreasonable to expect the real Santa to be held responsible for anything promised by a Santa Claus impersonator. We will make a note in your file for special  consideration, but please do not expect the new car and house.


Lastly, Mr. and Mrs. Claus remain happily married. They are not separated or divorced nor would Santa leave her to run off with you or any other girls, naughty or otherwise. I believe if you check the “engagement” ring he left, you will find that the diamonds are not real.


We have opened an investigative file regarding this incident. I suggest you contact local law enforcement to report this as well.


In the future, please be very careful about letting anyone into your home who you don’t know.

Officer Buddy McJingles
North Pole Security


Thanks Giving

Whew! What a month!

I survived NaNoWriMo and am proud to announce that I knocked out 50k words in 29 days, even with family visiting for a week during the Thanksgiving holiday.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I would be remiss if I didn’t give thanks to the many people who helped speed me through the month-long challenge. Most of you were enthusiastic cheerleaders and partners in crime. Some of you were unwitting accomplices who may recognize your contribution in the final product.

Of particular note are:

  • The wonderful staff and volunteers at NaNoWriMo who manage to pull off this event annually. It’s no small task! I’m especially grateful for the opportunity to connect with other writers around the globe to attempt the impossible – which magically becomes possible. Please take a moment to check them out and possibly support their ongoing efforts.
  • My fellow RWA – Passionate Ink Chapter members who helped keep the momentum going with word sprints, friendly competition and unending encouragement. You can learn more about the Passionate Ink Chapter of the Romance Writers of America here. If you are a writer or aspiring writer, please join us.
  • Andrew A., Lizzie W., and Stacey G., for your unfailing moral support, input, feedback and for being my go-to sounding boards. Oh! And, I mustn’t forget Adam W. for providing soundtracks, laughs and a sympathetic ear.
  • You who have shared a path with me for a spell, crossed my path for a moment or just plain crossed me. By being your glorious self, you’ve ensured that something heartwarmingly marvelous or unspeakably terrible will befall a character that reminds you of…someone you know. <Insert evil laugh here>
  • Readers and followers. Thank you for reminding me that there is an audience for the stories that I tell. You motivate me to keep writing even when my muse takes a ridiculously long coffee break.

Truly, I couldn’t have done it without you.  

Beyond NaNoWriMo, since many have asked, the answer is, “Yes. While I do write fiction, it is often *inspired by the people, places and events that are familiar to me.”

*Pursuant to the insistence of my lawyer, I direct you to the word “inspired” and its definition. I further point out that any resemblance to events, locales, or persons – living or dead, especially the dead (trust me, no one wants to piss off the dead) – are either products of my imagination, used fictitiously or are coincidental. 

So, If you recognize a location or a similar experience in any of my stories, it may be loosely based in reality. Likewise, if you think you’ve spotted something of yourself in any of the characters that make their way onto the page, consider it a compliment.  If you are certain that it is uniquely you, that means you are very vain or, at the very least, memorable and may have taught me a life lesson or ten. Most likely, there was something about you that I fell in love with – the glint in your eye, the flicker of your impish grin, the color of your hair, a tiny endearing gesture or even a wicked turn of phrase.

You probably tickled me in some way and made me laugh, smile or squeal with delight. You might have filled me with hope or left me in awe. Maybe you made me shiver or curled my toes. Oh, baby! You possibly scared the living daylights out of me. What’s wrong with you? Don’t do that! You could have even broken my heart and left me a tear stained mess. Again, what’s wrong with you?

In any case, if you did any or all of those, know that I remember you. Of course, I remember. I remember in exquisite detail.  Usually, the experience filled me with unexpected joy. On the rare occasion when I was not fully appreciative in the moment or even at this particular moment, I’m confident that in the greater scheme of things, I will be grateful for the experience in the very near future. Or down the road a bit. Or a long, long time from now. Or maybe in the next life.

Conversely, it’s possible – even probable – that I dredged up all of the bits and pieces from the depths of my depraved imagination. Who knows?

I do.

You probably do, too.

So, I Exposed Myself…

I’m finally home again!

Actually, I’ve been home for a couple of weeks with every intention of posting an update about my summer adventures, but…

There’s always a but! But, I’ve had a gazillion interruptions. Well, maybe not a gazillion. Probably, a million. Possibly, just a thousand. Most likely a  dozen. Stop judging me! The important thing is, here’s the quick and dirty on the past couple of months.

Moxie’s Birthday Surprise

I celebrated my birthday in August by attending a writing conference, Author You Extravaganza 2018,  in Breckenridge, Colorado. My wonderful family had champagne, chocolate covered strawberries and assorted goodies waiting in my room upon my arrival!

On the first day of the conference, I participated in a pitch session with 16 other writers and was awarded $1,000 toward publication of  Unlocked Diaries: Dirty Little Secrets. Woohoo! Many thanks to the event sponsor, Thomson-Shore and their representative, Tamra Tuller, as well as the other judges.

One of those judges was the delightful and brilliant Barb Wilson, Word Slayer and Editor. If you ever get the chance to work with Barb, do it! Between sessions, I got to hang out with Barb, her other half, “Big Guy” and my bestie, Stacey G.

Did I mention that I exposed myself? It’s true!

This would be a much more interesting story if it was about riding naked on horseback in the Rocky Mountains. Alas, I’m speaking of something far tamer.  My exposure was limited to  relevant and timely publishing information (and maybe a few minutes of ill-conceived, champagne-induced nudity on a hotel balcony, but the details are a bit fuzzy. Though, I can now sing all of the lyrics to Trap Beckham’s Birthday Bitch)

At the conference, I learned from industry experts at the many workshops and networking events where I rubbed shoulders with the likes of Judith Briles, The Book Shepherd; Kathy Meis, CEO of Bublish; John Kremer, Book Marketing Expert; and Joan Stewart, The Publicity Hound – just to name a few.

The next leg of my “Birthday Tour” took me from Colorado back to New Orleans where I stayed long enough to do laundry and repack my suitcase. Then I was off to Sunny South Florida – where it rained every.single.day. Still, it was a marvelous, albeit wet, visit with those nearest and dearest to my heart. In summary, lots of love, laughter and too much food.

I returned to New Orleans long enough to unpack then found myself repacking an overnight bag for an unplanned road trip to Mississippi where Stacey G’s mom was in the hospital. Thankfully, she’s on the road to recovery.

In between and during my stays, I was drafting and editing a short story that will be included in an upcoming anthology. Now I’m back home doing re-writes and more edits. Some of that might have been done while naked. I like to think of it as exposing myself to the arts.

Fifty Shades of Beige

No. I’ve not written a knock off of the E.L. James’ series. I’ve been painting -The living room. The dining room.  The hallway. The office. Whew! Who knew there were so many shades of beige?

While standing atop my ladder, inhaling paint fumes, it occurred to me that the painting process is similar to the writing process.  It starts out messy; at times the stench is pungent enough to clear a room; few can appreciate what the final outcome will be, including the creator and the only way to get to the end is to keep working at it. Then suddenly, miraculously, it’s done and you realize that all of the work was worth the effort.  

Speaking of writing, I’ve managed to put the final edits on Unlocked Diaries – to be published soon! And, I’ve made a serious dent on my second novel, The Call.  Also, a micro-flash fiction I submitted was selected to be included in Serious Flash Fiction: Volume 4. Woohoo!

I’ll do my best to blog more frequently, between home improvement and writing projects, but we can also keep up with each other on twitter and Facebook. You can find me at @MsMoxieMalone.

 

 

Yup. I’m Bringing the Sexy

Pardon the mess! I was hoping to get dolled up  before y’all got here.  Yup.  I’m bringing the sexy for your viewing pleasure.

Migrating from blogger to this fancy schmancy new site was a bit more work than anticipated. The good news is, it appears that all of my blogger posts made it here. The bad news is, formatting is a bit wonky.  Fear not. Things will be tidied up shortly.

I just need to get the rollers out of my hair, squeeze into the Spanx, slip into the little black dress and put on some lipstick. We’ll be ready for a hot date in no time.

Dedicated to the man who saw the sign and considered it an invitation.

Before I sign off, I want to send out happy birthday wishes to the man who saw a writer and called her Moxie.

xox.

In the Silence

In the silence…I heard every word you did not say.

You told me everything I needed to know about…us,

About who we are and how far we’d go. 

(140 silent characters)

Closed Doors

 
 
To the women who knocked on closed doors
until their knuckles bled,
so that we who follow might walk through an open door unscathed,
Thank you.
 
(140 grateful characters in honor of International Women’s Day)

Distractions, Excuses and a New Chair

Wow. I can’t believe the last time I updated here was when I posted the Bootleg XXXmas album link. I swear I did not run away with Santa…or did I?

I mean, when you think about it, what do we really know about what that guy does after December 25th anyway? Does he hook up with a naughty girl or two…or ten and vacay in sunny South Florida? Maybe the big guy takes the Mrs. and elves to Disney, perhaps? And, why is he really so jolly? For that matter, what do you actually know about me and my potentially nefarious encounters with jolly men who bring me sacks full of goodies?

Now, I’m not saying that I actually ran off with St. Nick to South Florida…and Disney. I’m not even suggesting that he and I used fast passes to “ride a banshee” at animal kingdom in a way that ensured my spot on the 2018 naughty list, but I would like to show you my new writing chair. Coincidence?

Okay. Okay. I will admit that I was in south Florida and I did go to the Magic Kingdom. I’m just not saying I was there with Mr. Claus. Who knew that some elves are attorneys capable of writing brutal, iron-clad non-disclosure agreements?

Anyway, I returned home to beautiful New Orleans just in time for snow. Snow! Of course, we also had Mardi Gras season and it all just recently culminated on Valentine’s Day…and I’ve run out of the distractions (excuses) that have kept me from posting here. So, you can expect more frequent updates… at least until March 17th when the whole city becomes Irish. Erin go brah!

P.S. I can also be found on Facebook and Twitter. Stop by and say, “hi.” I don’t bite…too hard.

Whatcha Got There Santa Claus?

Yours truly is on track 3 singing acapella. Do check out the other songs for some mischievous holiday fun.