Dear Naughty Girls

Dear Lizzie,

Thank you for your inquiry.


In response to your question, please be advised that “milk and cookies” is absolutely NOT a euphemism for something else. 

Kindly limit your special treats for Santa to an actual glass of milk along with chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies.

Merry Christmas.

Candy Cane
Department of Naughty & Nice

Dear Staci,

This is to confirm receipt of your resume. Your extensive experience and letters of recommendation are very impressive. However, we regret to inform you that we have no positions available for your unique skill set.


Best of luck in your knob and pole polishing job search.

Pixie Glittertits

Personnel Department

Dear Staci,

Enclosed herewith is the original copy of the demonstration video that you sent in today’s mail.

We appreciate your eagerness to work with us, but as mentioned in my previous letter, we do not have need of a knob and pole polisher.

Kind regards,

Pixie Glittertits

Personnel Department

Dear Staci,

My apologies for not responding to your fifteen voice mails sooner. Please understand that this is a very busy time of year, here, at the North Pole. We make every effort to respond to all job applicants within three days.

In your case, I thought I had already made clear that we don’t have any positions available that are a good fit for your special talents. 


You certainly are tenacious. Have you considered a position in sales?

If I find openings that are suitable for you, I will reach out to you. There is no need for you to contact me. Trust me, I will remember you.

Pixie Glittertits
Personnel Department

Hi Staci!

Thanks for emailing me with you idea. We are always interested in innovative approaches to North Pole maintenance. I must admit that we’ve never considered switching to human snow blowers. Your employment and environmental arguments are compelling. I’m forwarding your email to Pixie Glittertits in our Personnel Department for consideration. Happy Holidays!

Tommy Tinker
North Pole Maintenance Department

Girl in Santa suit.

Dear Candace,

Thank you for your letter and for allowing us the opportunity to clear up any confusion before you proceed with your plan.

We wish to be absolutely clear. The activities you described are not the kind of reindeer games referenced in the song, regardless of location, attire or prosthetic antlers.  

We recommend spreading cheer in more conventional ways.

Warm wishes for a safe, sane, and consensual holiday season.

Freddy Elfstein
Department of Naughty & Nice


Dear Lara,

I’m so sorry to hear about your recent Santa-related experience.

I can assure you that the real Santa Claus would never show up to your door unannounced on October 31st requesting tricks or treats. As you might imagine, there are many St. Nick impostors.

Now, about the special “Naughty Girl” presents. Regardless of what was guaranteed, there is not a separate class of gifts given from Santa Claus to girls who perform the acts that you outlined in your letter.

Clearly, it is unreasonable to expect the real Santa to be held responsible for anything promised by a Santa Claus impersonator. We will make a note in your file for special  consideration, but please do not expect the new car and house.


Lastly, Mr. and Mrs. Claus remain happily married. They are not separated or divorced nor would Santa leave her to run off with you or any other girls, naughty or otherwise. I believe if you check the “engagement” ring he left, you will find that the diamonds are not real.


We have opened an investigative file regarding this incident. I suggest you contact local law enforcement to report this as well.


In the future, please be very careful about letting anyone into your home who you don’t know.

Officer Buddy McJingles
North Pole Security


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